judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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