I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
