I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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