Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
