Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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