He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
