I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
