Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
