So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
