she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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