so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
