I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
