The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
