If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize