now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
