pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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