Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
