just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
