I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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