When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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