Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
