we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
