i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
