I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
