I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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