either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize