So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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