it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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