I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
