someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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