She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
