Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
