She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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