My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
