I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Just invented taco cereal.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize