If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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