Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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