I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize