when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize