you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
