I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
