she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
