dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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