but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
