just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
