Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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