The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Randomize
