it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Randomize