I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
