Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
