Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I smell like Dick and happiness
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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