Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize