It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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