This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
