I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
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