i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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