Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
