I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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