He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
