So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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