can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
