hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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