party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
