By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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