Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
they call him Oral-B. enough said
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
